The Lunar New Years technically marks my one year anniversary since I’ve moved up to Seattle. This time last year, my mom, brother, and sister-in-law drove up from California and moved all my worldly possession into Won’s house. I dropped my family off at the airport while I stayed behind. My brother’s Facebook status read, “a new chapter….”

It’s New Year so my Facebook is flooded with pictures of everyone in beautiful ao dais at whatever New Years festival they’re attending, or at family dinners, or even just at home with some cherry blossoms. It reminds me of all the years my parents used to take me to the New Years festival and I would wander off with my friends, only to meet up my parents for lunch and again when it was time to go home. Eventually I was old enough to drive and I was the one taking my parents and treating them to lunch. Every year we would see all our friends and acquaintances we hadn’t seen over the year. The saddest year was the year after my dad passed away. I stood at the bus stop just watching the bus pull away, remembering the year prior to that when my dad was too tired to stay for a few more hours but my mom wanted to stay to watch the concert. I offered to drive Dad back home and come back to pick up Mom later but he insisted on just taking the bus home. So I walked him to the bus stop, waited for him to get on and waved at him as the bus pulled away. The next few years it was just my mom and I. And this year.. it’s just me… at home alone.. in a different state.

I remember when I was 8, I asked my mom if she loved new year. I didn’t mean anything by my question, I was just asking to get the normal Happy New Year response that I got from everyone. Instead, my mom hugged me and choked back. She was actually very sad around New Year. She missed her own mom who was back in Vietnam with all her siblings. Mom said she celebrated New Years here with us but the truth was she very sad. I never understood it, everyone is happy on New Years. This year as I write xanga at 2AM while wiping away my own tears, I completely understand her. Won only heard me tonight, he doesn’t know I’ve been crying for a few days now. I wonder if my mom has been crying to sleep too.

It’s been a year for me in Seattle but I still haven’t found my place. I’ve lived with in-laws for a year but I still feel uneasy when they’re around just as I’m sure they don’t feel at ease with me around. I told myself and everyone that it will take time but I haven’t felt any different. I haven’t made a single new friend since I’ve been here. I’ve learned to be comfortable eating by myself at sit-down restaurants. Or I just stay home when I don’t NEED to leave the house for work. My husband is adoring and loving as ever. But he is only human with only 24 hours in his day like the rest of us. Between physically being at work for 9 hours a day, then school for an additional 3 hours, plus 2 hours commute time, and flipping between lifting at the gym and jiu jitsu practice every other day, I’m happy he even takes a few minutes out of his morning to give me kisses and a few minutes out of his night to cuddle me before he completely knocks out from exhaustion. We keep it chill on his off days but even when he makes it a priority to spend a day or a few hours with me going out I always feel like we’re fighting for time because he has emails to answer or case studies to work on when we get home. I don’t resent his lack of time and I try to be as understanding as possible about all his commitments. I don’t want him to feel guilty about leaving me alone or worrying about me. I want him to succeed, I know he works this hard for me. I can’t help but feel like a burden. He promises that I’m not but that is just how I feel. Like I am just another problem for him to think about on top of everything else because I can hardly take care of myself.

He heard my crying tonight, which I know really upset him.There is no magical solution, nothing he can do to fix “it” no matter how many times he asks. He offered to take me out tomorrow to do whatever I want on the holiest of holy days…the superbowl, in which his die hard home team is in the super bowl for the 2nd time ever in the history of football. Even if there was somewhere I wanted to go, I would never ask. I know I take enough from him, I’m not going to take away the little joys in his life.

I’m going to try and go to Vietnamese church tomorrow. I know I’ve lost touch with God ever since my dad passed away but maybe now it’s time to try to reconnect again. Maybe it’ll be good for my soul to be around Vietnamese people celebrating the New Year. Maybe I can pick up some traditional food goodies I’ve been craving this past week. I used to look down on those cheap simple foods and never cared for them. My mom used to hand make the traditional Banh Tet and Gio Thu and I never bothered to eat any, in fact I was annoyed and embarrassed she would spend DAYS cooking them to give out as gifts to all her friends. But this year is quite different, I find myself wishing I was sitting at a Vietnamese family dinner with all the traditional entrees and treats, even if it’s not with my own family, even if it were at a restaurant and I was paying people to make me the food and they weren’t just making it because they loved me.

It’s a little scary knowing in a few months, this big baby is going to have a real little baby to care for. I didn’t have much feelings about being a mom before, because I always knew I would be a good one, but tonight I feel unprepared. I have so much growing up to do myself.

WARNING: SUPER VAIN AND SHALLOW POST SO DON’T READ IF YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE A DUMB COMMENT!!*

* Dumb comment is obviously subjective to my point of view and will be deleted. Muahahaahha. So much power on my own blog!

So everyone is telling me how your body changes after pregnancy, how they used to be small like me.. 100 pounds small too but now they can’t wear clothes they used to wear and now wear “mommy” looking clothes. Fuck that! I hope these people were just delusional about how good of a body they had before and are now just looking back at this with rose colored glasses and they didn’t really have THAT banging of a body to start with…. I hope their words of warning are false.. I mean, there are plenty of hot young mamas out there still…

I’m going to shoot someone if I’m don’t return to my hot little body afterwards. Hell. Someone shoot me, please.

I’m no Victoria Secret model but I’ve always really secretly loved my body and thank goodness every day that I was blessed with what I have. I jokingly tell Won he has no idea how good he has it to be in bed with me every night. I’ve always WANTED to change in front of the mirror because I really like my body. I mean, I know I’m short short but even then I was really proportional torso & leg-wise, I had a body of a size 00 but the butts and boobs of a size 4. I didn’t come off that way before because I would never post a bikini pic, or wear tight clothes, or take selfies ever. But I’ve always secretly loved myself, I just didn’t care that other people saw it.

Now, I die a little on the inside every day that I’m seeing my little waist get wider and wider everyday. The dip I used to have between my waist and my hip is becoming more and more of a straight line so I’m getting a more boy-ish figure. I hope that is just the baby taking up space and not my actual body changing. Pregnancy boobs are pretty cool though, I’ll be happy to keep those. Hahahaha. My face is a little rounder than before but I’ve always had a round face so it doesn’t bother me that much. But I watch my nose like a hawk everyday! I DO NOT NEED a bigger nose!! Luckily, my arms and legs haven’t gotten bigger .. hope they stay that way. My butt got flatter though   I hope it goes back.. need to eat more cheese, rice, and beans. Hahahahhaa so ridiculous!

Things I wished I had done before getting pregnant:

- Do professional boudoir photos

- Wore more tight clothes that showed off my body

- Wore more high heels

- Took more pictures of myself

Hahahah oh well.. hopefully it’s not too late and after the baby, I get this body back. At least after the first baby! I’m still young!! Only 25!! I have at least like 7 years left to be a hottie without it being inappropriate!! UGHHHH don’t take that away from meeeee!!

So I belong to all these Mommies group on FB.. and today I learned you’re only really supposed to have a baby shower for your first baby to get presents from your friends. And when you have the next babies, you aren’t supposed to have anything or just a “sprinkle” because you’re already supposed to have stuff from the first baby…

Uh.. what the heck?! I always thought you had a baby shower to show all your girlfriend how cute you look at 7 months and for your friends to celebrate and play games with you.. I didn’t know the main purpose was to get gifts so you can raise your child. I mean, it’s nice  to receive gifts but now I feel like that’s kinda greedy and messed up to expect things from your friends! With the amount of money you spend on the party, can’t you just buy your own stuff? Plus if I were to have a baby shower, I would do it to welcome ALL my kids, not just the first.

Anyhow, we’re not having a baby shower because we’re Vietnamese and all my girlfriends are in California anyways. We’re planning something really nice for when after the baby is born, that way everyone can meet Baby Choe in one trip up here. It will be baby baptism/Day Thang. Day Thang is a Vietnamese celebration of the baby’s One Month birthday, kind of like the Chinese red egg & ginger party. But I think the Chinese celebrate at 100 days.

A lot of my family are already planning their family vacation for Seattle that weekend and a couple of my friends who wanted to come up for the Baby Shower, I told them to just wait for the Day Thang celebration instead so they can actually meet Baby Choe! Of course we’ll have a baby registry up for people who want to buy gifts but it’s not like we expect people to. Plus the stuff we’ll REALLY want are like stuff that costs in the hundreds and we know nobody is gonna gift that so we’re going to be just be thankful for all the diapers and toys & clothes we’ll probably receive. Things that probably will cost the same as the party.

I’m trying to have our party at the Seattle Space Needle! Our wedding was already super Asian so we wanted to do an American style baby celebration. Space needle is perfect for all the people out of town plus I bet our Seattle friends haven’t even been up there yet. I know I’ll be too tired to decorate and plan for a nice party so I rather just do it somewhere fancy and let the venue and the view take care of the guests rather than me having to craft shit for everyone. Thoughtful, I know -____-

It was funny yesterday Won’s mom gave me 3 beautiful serving platters she bought for the “Baby Shower,” which she thinks we’re having at home. She was really surprised I said we’re trying to have it at the Space Needle because it’s expensive. True.. But I can’t imagine having it at home either. My in-laws have NEVER had house guests before so I can’t imagine them hosting a party for 30 – 50 people. I think they  think we only have like 5 friends and they don’t know that my whole extended family are coming up along with my girlfriends from California. My in-laws are also OCD clean about everything and don’t like to entertain guests so I’m not sure who they were expecting to cook, set up, and clean the whole party up. I sure won’t be doing it at one month post birth! And I know they for sure won’t be happy doing it! Lol. Not to mention we’d have to buy all the backyard furniture like tables and chairs. It’ll be easier to just do it outside the home for this event. And we can do birthday parties here when I’m more physically able to handle parties.

I’ve been feeling pretty normal again aside from the lower back pain and the occasional nausea/vomiting. Yesterday I grabbed breakfast and headed to my salon. As I was doing some emails on my laptop, I suddenly felt my tummy ache. So I stopped to go to the bathroom but suddenly I felt REALLY dizzy for a second before I lost my sight. Everything was black and I thought to myself, “omg! I’m blind!” I reached out to feel to get a sense of where I was and instead I felt my head hit the shampoo sink. I must have been falling and didn’t realize it. I came to on the floor and felt super sweaty and lightheaded. I waited a few seconds until I felt more stable then I crawled for my cell phone. I called my husband at work and told him what happened and to come get me. Luckily he picked up because he normally doesn’t at work. Next, I texted my clients for the day and asked them to all reschedule, which they were all understanding of. I googled fainting while pregnant and while it’s not normal, it’s not uncommon at this stage as halfway through your blood pressure is at it’s lowest. I took off my shoes to help with circulation. Then I texted my neighboring stylists and told them what happened to just keep an eye on me while I waited for my husband. No one had seen me because the curtains for my salon was drawn.

A stylist friend came into my salon and sat with me for about 15 minutes and Won showed up in record time. We work at least a 20 minutes drive from each other not to mention the time it takes to walk to the parking lots. We sat on the floor for another half an hour while we called out midwives to tell them what happened. They insisted I 1. go to my Regular physician or 2. go to the ER. They were adamant that I get seen the SAME DAY. So I called and couldn’t get in with my physician… but thinking back, if I knew what the ER was going to be like.. I probably would have BEGGED to be seen to save myself the time and money of going to the ER.

So off to the ER we go, not even the closest one to work or the one closest to home, no we went to the farthest ER, which is the one we’re giving birth at because the Midwives insisted and Won was too worried to question anything at this point. So here we are in the ER. The staff looks tired and irritable, I’m sure with all the shit (literally) they deal with. But they were nice to us because 1. I was pregnant and 2. I had a nice engagement ring which they oohed and ahhed over. Even though I was a high priority for being pregnant, it was still over an hour before we got called in to get blood work, not even to see a doctor yet. The staff was nice enough to let us know we had time to go grab lunch somewhere before we would see the doctor.

After lunch we waited another hour before we got called for our insurance information.  And then another hour before we got to go back into the ER treatment room. All that time we spent in the waiting room, the nurses told me to stay away from everyone else since a lot of people were there for the flu/fever. We also lots of drunk people, drug addicts (i’m sure), a hooker (or we thought she was one), and just generally really crazy people we were glad we weren’t sitting next to. I’ve actually never been to the ER in my life so this was all very new to me.

The nurse led us to the ER and my eyes got wide, what a shit show… There were multiple people/beds in each of the rooms and all the doors were open so I could peek in. Then there were people laying on beds outside of rooms. And there was a nurses station with probably 10+ nurses are super busy. We got led to a single room in the back with only one bed. On our way into my room, we passed by a patient laying outside with like 5+ police officers surrounding him. Won got excited and kept trying to peek out at what was happening. Our nurse was super nice and I felt gave us a lot of privacy. So I changed and we waited another hour with an IV bag in place while we waited for a doctor. The doctor looked about Won’s age and very kind. We talked about all the possible reasons for me passing out blah blah blah. Then he went to check on my blood work and we waited another hour to do a heartbeat and ultrasound check on the baby.

Then I REALLY had to go pee, which you’re not supposed to because you need a full bladder for an ultrasound but I been holding it for so long I REALLY needed to go. So a really nice nurse came in and let me go pee. She offered me a double gown to cover my back but I didn’t really care considering I still had my pants on but she told me there were weirdos out there. The ER seemed to have doubled in busyness since I was in that room. Now ALL the stretchers in the main area were FILLED with people either laying or just sitting, sometimes 2 – 3 people were sitting on a stretcher that was partitioned off by some plastic boards. And there was still tons of police around and Won said our doctor was running around like mad. It wasn’t until we got back to the quiet privacy of our own room that I realize I was the ONLY one with both a curtain AND a closed door. Not to mention, I was the only room with a door that was even closed and ALL our nurses made it a point to knock when they came in and close our door when they left. ALl the other rooms had 2 – 4 beds in them.

I wondered if maybe because I’m pregnant that I’m considered high risk for catching whatever else everyone had so they put me in my own space. Won thinks it has more to do with the nurses just liked us better because we’re normal peoples. They did seem to have this .. us (nurses + Won & I) versus them (all the other sick people) mentality. The nurses would tell us about their kids and vacations, which I can not imagine them wanting to get personal with some of the other patients in there. It made me question are ALL ERS like this? Do really rich people go to the ER? Do they get better treatment because they look nicer and aren’t bitching and complaining and smoking all over the place? Even with the procedure of how things are done, human nature of the nurses HAVE to play into effect right? Whatever it was, I was very glad we got the nice treatment that we did.

Finally we got our ultra sound and were discharged. Good, I was getting nauseous and hungry again. Just in time for dinner. Everything was fine and I felt everyone made a bigger fuss over it than necessary. But I know everyone just wanted a peace of mind. The doctor said I’m supposed to monitor myself and follow up with my midwives because blacking out for no reason can be an indictor sign of something much more serious. Anyhow, Won and I were pooped and glad to be back in our own beds. This morning I forced myself some breakfast and now back in bed because I feel nauseous..UGHHHH I’m regressing back into my pregnancy stage. DAMMNIT!!!

The ER is really expensive and Won seems stressed about it. I know we have good insurance but we still are responsible for at least a small percentage of it. I’m guessing with all the testings and ultrasounds and stuff that our bill is gonna be like like $10k+ of which we’ll still have to pay at least a few hundred, if not thousand. See.. this is why next time I will fight harder to see my regular physician, if not, at least ANY regular physician in my hospital network which would only cost a few hundred for something so minor.

Anyway, I had a nice-ish time at the ER with Won. I didn’t think it felt that long and as much work as he has to catch up on now, I thought it was kinda nice we got to spend a whole random day together. I’m sure Won doesn’t agree… Hahahahaha. He said he rather spend our day together doing something for less expensive than an ER and hospital food.

PS. I get REALLY annoyed everyone keeps lecturing me about eating and drinking more and taking it easy. I AM taking it easy!!! You’d think I’d lost two legs and a limb since I’ve been pregnant. Won totally babies me and never asks anything of me and I’m not exactly the least lazy person in the world. Not to mention I DO eat and drink just fine. More-so than I did before I was pregnant but you really can’t expect me.. a 4’11″  100 lbs person to just start eating as much as a “normal” person. Yes, I eat less than everyone else but I ALWAYS have my entire life. I usually eat about 1/3 of what everyone else eat.. now I eat about 1/2. I can’t just FORCE FEED myself!! And I feel that unless you cook for me directly or give me money to eat out, then you don’t get to lecture me about anything. I know everyone means well but I get really annoyed. Like are people implying I don’t take care of myself and WANT something bad to happen to me or the baby? Or that I’m too dumb to know that I need to eat and drink and not lift heavy things. Are all these random never-been-pregnant or had-good-pregnancies people suddenly smarter and an expert on MY body, the one I’ve had for 26 years now?! If an ER doctor can’t pin point what is wrong with me and explain WHY I passed out, what makes everyone else think they’re qualified to? For your information, I DID eat that morning! THe doctor actually never even said ANYTHING about me eating more. Hmph!!

Won keeps telling me to write a new post because my last post is so depressing. Haha. So what’s new?

1. I spent an awesome 2 weeks in California where my mom cooked hot meals for me every single meal and I finally started eating like how a person does for 2 peoples. I’ve gained back my pre-morning sickness weight and SLOWLY I’m starting to see more weight gain. So yay!

2. The nausea and throwing up is generally gone. I still have relapse days where I feel like shit but for the most part I am able to work and hang out again.

3. My new years resolution is to stop feeling so irritable by the people around me, even when they are irritating me. And so far I think it’s working  I don’t want my baby to feel my irritability and be an irritable baby in turn. I hope everyone notices my new CHILLAX and happy attitude. Hehe

4. Pinky seems to REALLY like me now!! Okay, not when Won’s around because that’s still her BFF#1ForeverInHerHeart guy but she’s nicer to me now and sometimes will follow me even when Won is around.

So what’s new with you all? All 2 of you guys who still write on xanga

I am so fuckin’ done with being pregnant. My nausea is getting worst and worst by the day. And I’ve been throwing up more frequently. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night with a huge urge to throw up. Luckily Won has been keeping plastic bags by my pillow just for this reason. I woke him, he rubbed my back a bit and up came all my meager dinner. I also keep losing weight because I barely eat. Won forces me to eat most of my meals but he can’t control how little I eat. Heck, I can’t control it. Usually after a few bites, I can feel the nausea building in my throat and I know even one more bite will bring everything up again. So when I throw up what little I did eat, it usually wasn’t enough food to protect my stomach and I can always taste the bile that comes up after.

I woke up this morning not feeling the best but I had a small list of chores I was looking forward to. I sat down for a few bites of breakfast and now I’m just back in bed. The nausea is so bad I want to throw up so I can be done with it and just rest. But I also hate throwing up so I don’t want to throw up. I hate myself right now. I hate Won right now. I even hate this little booger right now. UGHHHH.

In 2 days, we go in for our 3 months ultra sound. I read it should be the size of a lime now. From a gummy bear to a lime. Then we can announce it to the world, although I’m sure loads of people already know by now through the grapevine and from my loud mouth mother! Haha.

I’m just hoping all this sickness I am experiencing just means our little booger is growing healthy in there. And I’m not suffering in vain.

I also hope I am amongst the lucky mothers-to-be that feel a lot of energy and no more nausea in their 2nd trimester. Although, I have a bad feeling I’ll be feeling this way for the whole 9 months and some time after that too. *cries*

The other thing that sucks is I. HAVE. TO. PEE. ALL. THE. GOSHDAMN. TIME. This means waking up multiple times through out the night to pee. And peeing at every restaurant and store we go to. If you knew me before, you’d know I FUCKIN’ HATE public restroom. I used to hold my pee in ALL day until I get home. But now I can’t. You know you have this little urge to pee then you hold it in, hold it in, hold it in, and sometimes you forget about it. Sometimes you just hold it in for hours and then you finally can’t hold it in anymore and when you finally go, you feel so good. But when you’re pregnant, that little urge to go turns into YOU CAN’T HOLD IT IN ANYMORE within a matter of literally a minute. I’m all fine and dandy and BAM! I HAVE TO PEE NOW!!! It’s so annoying. Public restrooms are fuckin’ filthy and smell so bad. So now on top of HAVING to pee everywhere. I want to throw up every single time because bathrooms are so filthy I can’t help it.

And why do no pregnant bloggers write about this? Everyone is all happy and pretty with their big bellies and I feel like a horrible person because I already resent the little booger and my adoring husband before it’s even here. Well this is the truth. And don’t fuckin’ get pregnant if you have to go to a job every day or anything that requires you to get out of bed before noon. My advice, marry someone who doesn’t mind leaving for work at 6AM and coming home from grad school at 10PM but still picking up food for you and waking up in the middle of the night to catch your puke and cuddle you and other dumb shit. Oh, and someone who can afford to pay for everything without your help… including YOUR business rent because you’re too out of it to work   Otherwise, do not get pregnant. *cries*

Pae Baek is a traditional Korean tea ceremony. In real tradition, it’s meant for the grooms family so it’s done in private and takes about 2 hours. But since we’re not very traditional people, we asked to have it done during our reception… within 20 minutes as I know our mostly non-Korean guests would enjoy the elaborate set up, wardrobe, and games.

This was the table set-up. Everything was decorated really nicely. It was so vibrant and made a nice center display on our stage. Most of the foods were fake but we got some real little souvenirs to take home with us after the wedding.

When we were ready for our paebaek, we were taken upstairs to change into our traditional outfits. I was lent a traditional han bok to wear underneath. Then a empress gown to wear over it. The outfits were made complete with head gears for both of us. We chose this particular Pae Baek company because they have much more elaborate costumes than any other company. Most of the ones you see are the plain red and blue one (like the ones we rented for our engagement photo shoot) that are meant for high court officials. But there are more rare robes for mistresses, princess, queens, and empress. Of course we chose the highest up the chain, even though we’re imposters! Hahahaha.

The first thing we had to do was a super low traditional bow to our parents separately. You’re traditionally supposed to do it all the older family members on your husband side but we didn’t have any and we wanted to keep it short and entertaining so we only did both set of parents. I was wearing so many layers, I had to be helped by the pae baek service lady.

As with all tea ceremonies, we poured teas for our parents then for each other. Then romantically drank tea with intertwined arms. Hahaha.

And then they do this game where the parents throw a handful of chestnuts and dates at your and you have to both hold up a piece of fabric to try and catch as much as you can. Won DEFINITELY worked very hard to catch the fruits. Apparently however many you catch is however kids you will have. We caught 7 girls and 5 boys.

This is me going, “Hahahahahah you’re joking right!?”

Then you hold a date in your mouth and Won grabs the other half in his mouth. And then we pull it apart and see whoever gets the seed. It’s kinda like a wishbone or an Oreo. Except instead of getting a wish, whoever has the seed means your first born will be that gender. In this case, I won cuz I was biting down hard (we didn’t know what it meant at the time) so our first born should be a girl. Won said if he knew, he would have fought harder. LOL.

Then Won is supposed to undressed me cuz we’re supposed to have sex on our wedding night to make those 12 babies. Hahahaha. In the ceremony, it’s symbolic so Won just takes off the top of my head piece and then I was instructed to giggle into my sleeves to show what a shy and innocent virgin bride that I am. Lol for  a culture obsessed with babies, they sure have high expectations for you pre-nuptial.

Then Won gives me a piggy back ride all around the restaurant to show he can carry this new “burden” for the rest of his life. Lol. He got LOTS of cheers. I always tell him good thing Im a small little thing or else he wouldn’t be able to carry me and that would be embarrassing for him. He said it’s a good thing he works out or else he wouldn’t be able to carry me and that would be embarrassing for me!

And a final picture with our set up! Kamsamida for reading!

Ah nheung!!!

My whole life I’ve been on the petite size, always the first 5 in line for class pictures. Although I’m terribly short, I’m not exactly scrawny. I’m not chubby but I’ve definitely got meat on my bones.  I remember in middle school one of my REALLy skinny and tall friend was on track and one day she walked into class with her tiny track shorts and she had a HUGE thigh gap. That was probably my FIRST time noticing it and all I could think was she looked like a skeleton because her thigh didn’t touch. But whatevs. Didn’t think much about it. Then in college all these guys were talking about how sexy thigh gaps are and how it makes the list for things that makes guys melt.

Oh, okay, so a thigh gap is ATTRACTIVE. But no matter how skinny I got, even when I was like 80 pounds in my early twenties due to diet pills, I didn’t have it. So I thought, hm.. maybe their legs are BOWED out so thats why they have the gap. I read a couple of fitness blog debating if you can achieve them with diet adn exercise or if they are simply a genetic thing. I just accepted that my thighs are close to each other and the meat I have on my them just will always touch. Luckily, I never struggled with my weight. I was happy to have some T&A but skinny enough for everyone to call my skinny.

Since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve been taking my showers while sitting down in the tub because I get really tired and light headed randomly so I’d rather just be sitting down. Today as I was shampooing my hair, I looked down at the shower water hitting my bent knees, I looked at my thighs and HOLY TAMOLEY, there is  gap between them. NO WAY! So I straightened my legs thinking the meat & fat will spread out and touch my thighs together again but NOPE! Even when my legs are straight, there is still a gap! A small one, but one nonetheless.

Kind of exciting but I’m pregnant!! I’m supposed to be GAINING WEIGHT!! UGHHH!!! I need to eat more. LOL. Maybe because my hips got bigger for the baby so my thigh bone spread out further apart creating a thigh gap? Hahahaha I don’t know. When you least expect it!

Btw, today I was grocery shopping with Won. I always hook onto his arm and bounce around and we kept knocking into each other so I made a joke about how he needed to walk straight and stop bumping into me. Then he looked at me and said,” maybe your hips got wider. Ever think of that!?”

UGHHHH!!!!!!!!! I’ll KILL HIM!!!!!

Sometimes I dream about my dad. In all my dreams with him so far, he was alive and well and always helping me. So when I woke up I have this hope that I could run into the next room and he is still there and his death was actually the dream. When I realize the truth, it’s sad. But that split second when I wake up, it’s relieving and comforting. So I always welcome these dreams.

Last night I slept for 14 hours, which is probably a record for me. And in my dream for the first time, I knew my dad was gone. He was in my dream, but gone. I can’t remember what happened exactly but it was enough for me to wake up feeling lost and terribly upset. To top it off, I woke up and had no idea what time it was and where Won was. It was 2PM and Won had left for the gym. I fought every urge to cry. There really wasn’t a reason to cry because in my reality nothing had changed, but I couldn’t help it.

I have never believed dreams meant anything but just a story your brain tells you when you’re sleeping, kind of like day dreaming. I don’t deny the supernatural but I don’t believe it will ever happen to me because I know I won’t accept it. I do believe only those who accept the supernatural will have the super natural happen to them. Anyhow, I’ve spent all day shaking this sad feeling of lost.

Good thing my friend made me a whole pot of che yesterday. Che is a refreshing Vietnamese dessert made with coconut water, coconut meat, grass jelly, basil seeds, jackfruit, rambutan, and logan. Something sweet and cold always makes me feel better

Remember: We haven’t told anyone outside of xanga yet so please don’t mention this on any of my other social media or outside of xanga. Thanks!

Okay to be honest, up until this point I was STILL kinda in denial that we are pregnant because the pee test at the doctors could have been wrong too. LOL. But yesterday we went in for our first ultrasound and WE COULD ALREADY SEE OUR LITTLE BOOGER!! The doctor said it’s the size of a gummy bear right now. And it has little nubbins for arms and legs, just like a real gummy bear. LOL!

Kinda crazy how you can actually see the little head and body already! Technology is AHMAZING! There was even a healthy heart beat, we couldn’t hear it yet but it was enough for the ultrasound machine to record it. We’ll hear it at the next appointment in a month!

It’s so little but we already love it so much and think the world of how cute it is. Won asked to take some of the pictures home. Lol he stole one of them from the pack to try and put it on his car dash board but it wouldn’t fit. I know he is dying to tell someone. anyone. But I asked him to wait just a little longer. Until we’re a little more in the clear.

I do have some bleeding they spotted in the ultra and while it’s not normal, it’s also not uncommon. The chance of miscarriage when bleeding is spotted is about 50%. But everything else was healthy like the the yolk sack, the heart beat, the size of the baby, so that brings down the chance of miscarriage to only 5%. Whew! The nurse said most likely the blood will just find it’s way out my body or just get reabsorbed back in the body, which is what I’m hoping for.

Aside from that exciting little tid bit, I am still nauseous as ever. But I found a friend who cooks home made Vietnamese food for me. And all the other times, Won drives me an hour away into Seattle to get Vietnamese food. Although I’m not craving Vietnamese food, it’s comforting for me and easier to try and eat when I’m feeling nauseous all the time. Because otherwise, I literally won’t eat all day. *sigh*

Hope everyone else is feeling great!