June 30, 2013

• My Life Is Amazingly Good

  But right now I am in the midst of a mental break down. 

  - I haven’t had to work in a long time but these past few days I’ve had jobs lined up and they’re all over 2 hours drive away from me so I am just overall really exhausted from driving, sleeping over at a friend’s house (even though I had a lot of fun, it’s just exhausting when it’s not your own home), and working. 

  - I should be sleeping now considering I have to wake up tomorrow to drive again for 2 hours to work, then sleep over again for one more night. I need all the energy I can get as I can feel my body starting to ache. But now I have all this anxious energy so I can’t sleep. 

  - The weather here has been over 100 degrees so I am just irritable over all.

  - Wedding planning seemed under control because I was ordering all the supplies and getting great deals then. bam bam bam bam. Emails after emails of companies telling me they don’t FUCKING HAVE MY SHIT IN STOCK EVEN THOUGH THEY ALREADY TOOK MY MONEY. WTF… IF YOU CAN”T FULFILL AN ORDER, THEN DON’T FUCKING GO THROUGH AN “APPROVAL PROCESS,” ACCEPT MY MONEY THEN EMAIL ME A WEEK LATER (with my wedding only 2 weeks away) SAYING YOU DON’T HAVE IT IN STOCK.. That happened to me 3 times already. So I have to panic and source through more companies to get what I need. AND I need to keep track of their refunds to make sure I get it!

  -Won would tell me to use our planner but if I do, she will give me industry standard vendors that I know will cost 3x as the price I can find if I did my own research. Wedding planners make things happen, they do not watch your wallet. So I rather save money and find things on my own. And I don’t mind.. IF THESE FUCKING COMPANIES WOULD HOLD UP THEIR FUCKING END OF THE BARGAIN. Maybe this is why you pay 3x as much, don’t have to deal with shit like this.

  - Won keeps pressuring my about my bank account and it’s driving me nuts having to explain why my bank account hasn’t grown much (at least it’s not depleting). I haven’t worked in months. And just now I am starting to work so it takes time for that money to get into my account. Also, my expectations were different, I was under the impression that we weren’t touching my money at all. Since living with Won, we’ve just used his account for everything. So now that I am questioned why this and why that with MY account that we haven’t touched.. I am at a lost of what I did wrong.

  - I finally came clean to my mom about a big secret and to my surprise she was very understanding and accepting but I became really upset with myself that I had to have this secret from my mom in the first place. I wish I could go back and just told my mom the truth in the first place then we could have treated it like a celebration rather than a secret. 

  - I have my fucking period. Big whoop. All girls do right? No. Not the way I have mine. So I was 2 hours away from home in 90 degrees weather after having worked. And suddenly I get my period and the cramps are SOOOO painful it’s literally blinding me as I am driving on the freeway. The pain radiates into a sharp ache in my legs and I know I can’t brake or gas up as strong or fast as I need to drive. I don’t know what I was expecting when I called Won and my Mom crying, but whatever it was.. it was not what I got. So I pulled over into a pretty crowded public park by the ocean and parked under some tree shades and climbed in the back seat and cried until I could doze off for about 20 minutes. I don’t know why but a nap ALWAYS does the trick. It was really sad and desperate that I had to do what I had to do and I don’t wish it on anybody. But it was just enough to give me enough relief from pain to climb back in the front seat and drive the rest of the 2 hours home.

  - Won has been working on the overdrive lately, like 80 – 100 hours a week. So I’ve tried to put all my feelings and frustrations and stress away so that he doesn’t have to deal with melt down bridezilla AND his demanding job. So now it’s building up inside of me. And I can’t lie and say I don’t get mad that he’s not able to soothe me but I am learning to deal with me by myself or by distracting myself with my wonderful friends. I try to pretend I am not a little hurt and annoyed by the fact that I can tell him I am driving 2 hours in the middle of the night and he says okay without concern then an hour later call me and is horrified I am driving by myself in the middle of the night. I guess to have a successful husband, you have to take the good times of him lavishing nice things on you with the bad times of him not really paying attention to you.

  - I don’t really feel at home anywhere. I don’t feel completely living at home with Won because I am new there and my in laws live there too. I have no problems with my in laws but it just doesn’t feel like my own home. I keep the house to how THEY want it, not how I would want it. And my mom recently moved from our house into an independent senior community apartment, where I am spending a few weeks with her) and this for sure doesn’t feel like home. 

  - My health is just skyrocketing out of control. In Seattle I haven’t slept before 4AM since I’ve moved there. And just important things about my body are OFF. I want to wait until after the wedding to go to the doctors because if there is something seriously wrong with me, I don’t want to find out. I only have to hold on for 2 more weeks.

  - Either my phone is a bad one because it only rings half the time or the reception around here is horrible because I never hear any ringing or messages. Only for me to look at my phone to see like 5 texts and missed calls. And Won gets mad that he tries to get a hold of me but I never pick up. I can understand his frustration because I would be too but at the same time, I can’t control  how my phone acts. Sometimes, he swears he’s been calling me for 3 hours but I don’t have even 1 missed call from anyone. And neither of us are lying. So it gets REALLY REALLY REALLY frustrating. Technology is preventing us from responding to each other’s needs. *sigh*

  - We are attending our first dinner party next week and I am so nervous about what to wear and how to talk and eat! A previous client of mine invited us to her July 4th dinner party. I’m hoping to build a relationship with her and her friends especially because I am opening a salon in Bellevue and need to build a relationships in the area! I know we will be the youngest and least experienced couple at the dinner. I hope her kids like me.. that will give me something to do and talk to so I don’t have to talk to the adults and come off as a total young dumb asian girl. I am so good at one on one relationships and SOOO bad in group settings. UGHHHHHHH.

  - So all this driving around lately in the middle of the night and sleeping over totally puts me back to a memory of the very first wedding I ever did like 7 years ago in which I had no idea what I was doing so I had to wake up at 2 in the morning to drive from Davis to San Jose only to completely burn myself out for barely any  money. 7 years later, I figured it out that I was making a living doing this and feeling really comfortable and people were coming to me for advice. Until this weekend where I found myself again driving in the middle of the night from Davis to San Jose and I felt really sad.. like 7 years later and I am only where I started. 

  - Won and I like to joke around and tease each other. But sometimes we do it so much we forget how to be nice and say kind things to each other. It’s as if the teasing and joking becomes the norm. A few years back we had to step back and talk it out and agreed to make a conscious effort to remember to pay attention and be nice to each other. But right now, I feel like we’ve forgotten again. 

  - My email is a mess. Sounds crazy, I know. But I normally have less than 3 emails in Inbox because as soon as I read an email, that night I sit down and respond and reorganize it into the 20 folders I made to file everything away. But since I’ve been on the road so much I haven’t sat down to my laptop in almost a week and there is a jumble of personal, wedding, work, and spam email all in my inbox. And its giving me anxiety. ARHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

  Update: Since I am not sleeping, I went in and reorganized everything *sigh* 

  To end my ranting post: 

  “I’m going to be happy. I’m going to skip. I’m going to be glad. I’m going to smile a lot. I’m going to be easy. I’m going to count my blessings. I’m going to look for reasons to feel good. I’m going to dig up positive things from the past. I’m going to look for positive things where I stand. I’m going to look for positive things in the future. It is my natural state to be a happy person. It’s natural for me to love and to laugh. This is what is most natural for me. I am a happy person!”

   

  • 3:55 am
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