September 16, 2011
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Anxiety
My cousin and I were walking into the hotel lobby into the competition. My teeth were noticeably chattering and my hands shaking. "I'm so cooold" I lied to explain why my body wouldn't be still.
The truth is I have really bad anxiety to the point I can't control what my body does sometimes. Heart pounding against my eardrums had become the norm for me. Sometimes my vision would go out of focus and I would cold sweat so bad the back of shirt gets wet, which is really bad considering I hardly ever even sweat even in 100 degree weather. Somethings as exciting and loving as a wedding would turn into complete dread for me where I seriously contemplate in calling in sick and finding a replacement artist (not that I ever have or ever would, just saying). Something that I've done a million times before as easy as making a right turn in my car is suddenly a huge ordeal. My light is green right? Right? Right? Or was it red? What if that person steps down the curb? What if I hit them? Do I get out my car? What if they die? What if they lose their legs? What if they sue me? I can't afford to pay? What if I have to go to jail? How is my mother going to deal with it? Will my boyfriend break up with me or will he wait? What will his parents think of me?
I never let anyone know that's how I'm feeling. I usually say Im tired and need to just rest. Or laugh it off. Or like earlier, if it's physically visible, I pretend its the cold or something else. I try to appear as CALM and serious as possible even though I am screaming a million and one thoughts on the inside. WHAT'S HAPPENING!? CAN THEY SEE IT? CAN THEY TELL I'M IN PANIC? JUST HOLD YOUR GAZE! REMEMBER TO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE BREATHING NORMALLY! WHY ARE THEY LOOKING AT ME? SMILE! ACT LIKE YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THEM! AH!
I didn't want people to think I was nervous, of course not, I am on top of everything! I didn't want them to think I was weak and couldn't handle the situation no matter how easy or hard. I didn't want anyone to see me sweat. It was like being sick without having the papers to prove it so I didn't want to be seen like a big baby crying wolf.
That was a bad time in my life. But I'm all better now! Haven't felt like that in months! I found it really helped to finally open up and tell people about it.
Comments (4)
Meditation. Or just the breathing exercises that are part of learning to meditate. If you can do that for 15 minutes a day in a relaxed seated position with your back straight -doesn't have to be ngồi hoa sen- you will get a handle on these things. I have urged that on my young businesswoman friend in Sài Gòn for a long time because she was headed for burnout by 35. She would do it for a while and start to get control then slack off and drive herself madly toward the cliff again. 6 months ago she started to do it seriously and has kept at it. She is much calmer now and says she pays attention to her work better without getting frantic. She is Buddhist so should have had it in her repertoire already but missed it somewhere. I am Catholic but come from a Buddhist background.
Feel free to talk about it all you want.
We're here to listen.
The same thing happens to me before I compete. Just a case of the nerves, and everyone deals with it in their own ways.
Imagine everyone in their undies, was what i was once told. =)