August 2, 2013

• On Marrying the Family

  Before Won and I got married, whenever Korean girls found out my fiance was Korean they’d ALL ask me, “have you met his mother?” I didn’t think much of it because his mom is very nice to me. I should have been more wary -___-

  We had a fabulous wedding but afterwards we found out his parents were very upset because they felt they were disrespected at the wedding. I guess in Korean culture, at a wedding the VIP guests are the groom’s parents. And I’ve never been to a Korean wedding but apparently all the guests are supposed to come up to the groom’s parents at some point to greet them and make them feel very special. Which obviously did not happen at my 99% Vietnamese wedding.

  To give some background: we had 200 guests. Of the 200, less than 30 were Won’s guests. And of his 30 friends, I’d say 25 of them were Vietnamese and the rest were basically white. His family only consist of his parents and sister, no one else. My family took up 50 of the 200 seats. In Won’s family, everything revolves around his parents. When they come home from work, everyone greets them. They’re the first to eat and last to eat. They decide what and where we’re going as a family. Don’t get me wrong, they are loving parents who will sacrifice anything for their children but overall there is still an old sense of tradition in which the elders are the most important. In MY family, it’s the complete opposite. Children eat first and they eat the best part of the meal. The younger you are, the better dibs on shit you get. The adults cook and clean while us kids us lounge around. We make all the decisions and the parents just follow. The dynamics are very very different.

  So when it boiled down to a wedding day, I think his parents were expecting us/guests to really take care of them because they were the special guests. Whereas with my family, everyone did everything around how I felt. My mom stayed out of my way to reduce my stress and everyone basically slaved themselves away while I barked out orders (as nice as I could). Even though my family are near and dear and most important to me, because it was my wedding day they played host and had the most tiring day while my guests had a good time. That is just how it’s ALWAYS been in my family, because you are family you work the most. Won’s family philosophy is because you are family, you relax the most. 

  Between finding meaningful moments with our 200 guests and our team of about 30 vendors and making sure WE looked good, I didn’t pay much attention to his parents. We didn’t go out of our way too much to introduce them to anyone or make sure they felt important. On top of that, his family are the opposite of mine, very anti-social and prefer to be in a  quiet space whereas my family is loud and love to hug and drink and yell at each other while dancing. I kind of took it as, they preferred to not be bothered with all my young cousins and guests. So imagine my surprise when instead they said they felt disrespected that people weren’t talking or shmoozing with them. Then when I brought it up to my family, people either didn’t really know what they were talking about nor did they think it was a big deal because in my family, people aren’t as formal nor easily offended over social hierarchies. 

  Won compares it to my family being religious freaks (won unwillingly got baptised-_____-). True. We all have our obsessions and what not. But it ended up causing some tensions which leaked into tension between Won and I. And before we knew it, we fought EVERY SINGLE DAY over the dumbest shit, where as before, we NEVER fought. It didn’t help that Won went back to Seattle after the wedding and I’ve just been staying in California for the last month, both of us for work. And it’s such a sensitive subject too so we fought about everything BUT what we needed to be fighting about, our families. Finally, we both just went at it and we just felt better and finally we’re back as one team. I’m still sad that the two families are not in sync because that isn’t the in-law relationship I want. I don’t want to have to be two different person and have two separate parties for the rest of my life to please both sides. I’d rather everyone just get along and we can have one big party all the time. 

  I go home next week. As excited as I am to see Won again, I am nervous because his mom wants to give me “a talk” about the roles and expectations of a Korean daughter-in-law. Won doesn’t think it’s a big deal because it’s just a talk and I should just say yes and then do whatever I want. I am less than thrilled because… I’m not Korean nor do I have some secret wish to become Korean, and on top of that I come from a completely different upbringing so my philosophy on what a daughter-in-law is very different. I can’t throw away 25 years of who I am and suddenly agree with another family’s philosophy. Won thinks I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is because I keep asking him what exactly we’re talking about and he doesn’t know either.  I wished it wasn’t made into such a big deal in the first place and that one day she just talked to me, not that I have to sit down and prepare for a “talk.” So for the past month, this has been looming over my head, I’m glad to be coming back so we can just get it over with. -___-

  One of my brides (she’s Korean) told me… no matter how great and better someone’s family is over yours, you’ll never like them as much because it’s not YOUR family. You can come from a family of thugs and murderers and even if you marry into a family of angels and charity donors, you will still prefer your family because that is who you are. I laughed at the time but it’s true. 

  Personally, I am just going to have an attitude that no matter what either side expect or don’t like about me, I will continue to just be happy me. I will do what people want to make everyone else happy but not if it makes myself unhappy. It’s funny because when I think about this, I think about the relationship I want with my future daughter in laws and that is what I am going to try to emulate with my own family and his family. Surprisingly, I do not want a super close relationship with my future daughter in laws, I want them to make my son happy and are some what in touch with us but I imagine spending my old age with my old husband, alone, not with our adult kids. 

  • 3:52 am
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